|How Do I Begin This After So Many Years???
||[Mar. 29th, 2011|01:25 am]
It's time to use my journal again. Years have passed since I've written an entry, but I need this journal to express my thoughts, my moods, the events in my life (and there are lots, let me tell you...). I can't keep a traditional paper-and-pen diary because that is just too tedious. Wow I can't tell you how weird this is! I mean, I used to come on here and the words would flow like a river down a mountain. But now I'm staring, feeling strange, and editing my sentences if they don't look 'perfect.' But I'd better shake that because I didn't edit myself when I had this journal before and I'm not going to do it again. I'm going to re-start posting on my journal and with frequency. This is not only my venue to let out my emotions: it's my life biography. Today I look back on my entries from ten years ago and they bring back so many memories. Well I want to continue writing my life story which is built day to day. This is mostly for me, yet I'm keeping my journal public. Perhaps the events in my life or thoughts in my head will be interesting to some. Maybe you might be inspired by the actions I take (as well as my aspirations and whether I accomplish them). Comment if you wish...I'd love to hear from ya'll!
So why don't I begin with the central drama in my life: I am cheating on my boyfriend. There, I've admitted it outright. Anyone who knows me would never guess that my character would let me do this. But I am and yes, I do feel scuzzy for it. But I'm not torn between the two men: if I had it my way, I would choose a relationship with the 'other guy.' In fact, this predicament finally tipped me over to using my journal again. I've had so many emotions over this situation: guilt, sadness, excitement, and back to guilt again. Why is this happening? Here's the background on my boyfriend: today marks our 11-month anniversary together as a couple. He's a wonderful man, caring, considerate, loyal and he'd do anything that I asked him for. I thought that he was the 'one.' I thought that we would get married (well married in the sense that we'd have a civil union and live just like husband and, er, husband). But unfortunately, I don't have the 'lover' benefits that comes with having a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband. We do not have sexual chemistry or the same desires...in fact, we have never so much as made out or kissed long!! Never. I was drawn to the fact that he was in the Army and was twice deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan. I am a huge military supporter, so I had and have so much respect for him. But as time went on, it was clear that I would not get the lover part of a healthy relationship. In fact, I broke up with him mid-December, but wound up going back because I thought I truly loved him (and because I was treated like trash by a guy who I thought liked me. But demanding that I 'come' on demand, yes that kind of 'come,' is not liking a guy. Of course, if I hadn't hooked up so quick, guess I wouldn't have been treated like that). But it's still not working out. Well last Saturday I just felt like going out, so I met my friend XYZ at the bar. We hung out with 2 of his friends there, then we all went to chill at Adam's place. The 2 other guys were a couple, but one of them who I'll call Guy 1 was real horny. I'll tell the entire story another time, but we all had a foursome. It definitely was NOT planned and this is something I DON'T do regularly, TRUST ME. But it happened...and I really liked one of the guys a lot. So after XYZ and Guy 1 were done, me and Guy 2 were still making out, touching, cuddling and having the most wonderful loving time. It was clear that even though we knew next to nothing about one another, there was definite chemistry and not all of it purely sexual. It seemed like we were fulfilling a need in one another and didn't want it to end (as it turned out, that was correct). Guy 1 was jealous that I was pretty much making love to his man and that his man was clearly way into me. Anyhow, that is how me and Guy 2 met...and this wasn't a chance meeting. We got a motel room last week, got to talk and know one another, and made love for seven hours. This guy is one of the best lovers I have ever had...scratch that, THE best. Plus, the rest of who he is catches my interest too. He has a good job, is working on his own business, is very intelligent, and has such a kind caring personality.
So I'm falling in love with Guy 2, yet I'm still in a relationship with The Boyfriend. I know what you're saying, "Just leave him, don't dog him behind his back.' Well it's not that easy. The Boyfriend has no family that gives a damn about him, very little friends, and he just lost his dream job that he was training for. He has no money and nowhere to go. I have been his rock, basically, and he's looked to me for guidance and support in everything. (Unfortunately, one of the reasons that I'm not into him as a lover is that he isn't very independent. Sometimes I feel like I'm the 'father figure' and that's not what I signed up to be exactly). I've committed to him...how can I just dump him when he has nothing? I know what the end result will be...soon we will no longer be a couple. I will one day hurt him with the second and final breakup...but I just can't do that now. Not when his life has crumbled and he is trying to pick up the pieces I can't deliver that shattering blow to him. So I have to text and see Guy 2 on the DL...and feel twinges of guilt knowing that I'm lying to The Boyfriend and to myself. Knowing that the more I'm falling for Guy 2, the closer I'm coming to having to end it with The Boyfriend and shattering what stability he feels he has in his life. This truly sucks. But I will say that one day when I tell The Boyfriend this, I refuse to dump him out of my life completely. My family is his family and, far as I am concerned, I'll be like his brother and good friend. Just because I don't feel he is my lover doesn't mean he's a piece of garbage that should be taken away with the trash, never to be seen again. That won't happen whether I end up permanently seeing Guy 2 or not. The fact is that I am young, a man, and need to feel the closeness of a lover...but that is not happening with The Boyfriend. It never will and I can either accept that fact and pretend I like living like I'm an old couple in my 80s...or I can make an uncomfortable adjustment which may yield the life I need and deserve. I'm never one to just settle, so you all know which option I have to choose. It's just delaying the inevitable choice that is causing pain inside.
Well how about that for kicking off the 'Grand Re-opening' of my journal? Heavy stuff. I will be changing names, but I won't censor my thoughts. Tomorrow I will make another entry...and someday I will write about some of the stuff that has happened over the last few years. Though hell, as you all can see, I have enough drama in the present!!!!