|Before Applying For A New Promotion, Time To Shed Old Burdens
||[Jan. 22nd, 2013|08:34 pm]
Hello journal! Well I didn't let a lapse of years go by, instead I let a month and a half so I'm getting LOTS better! Honestly I tried to log on a few times, but the security feature where you have to type the word which is in a weird font screwed me up, so I just gave up. But I finally mastered it and reset my password, so I'm good to go! So I have to wake up at 330am for work tomorrow and usually I'm in bed reading by now, but I'm in this mood where I just want to write and vent. I'm not angry at anything in particular: I'm just in one of those contemplative, relaxed moods. Actually I should take that back...my feet and back are giving me aches, especially the back. It feels like I've had a weight resting on it all day, so probably the lifting I've done at work this week is kicking in. Man I can't wait for my two days off after tomorrrow's shift! I gotta tell you, working in produce in such a workout! I love my job (for the most part), but it is such physical work and I really look forward to the rest I get on my days off. So the big news today is that I filled out my paperwork to become a produce department manager! Right now I'm an assistant produce manager, have been since June 2011. I told myself that after a year, I'd either move up or get out (as in find another job). So now I am ready to make the move. I'm really happy honestly, like happy as in the kind I felt when I filled out paperwork to be the Service Manager (which is the front-end manager) back in October 2009. Back then I was very ambitious and wanted the responsibility, the challenge, to be the boss and to keep my name out there. I did make a great name for myself and actually I was put into the store I was promoted to because they thought my bright attitude would improve the place. But in a union store (a very hardened union store!), when you aren't willingly part of the union, don't want to be affiliated with it, and therefore don't really see eye to eye with you coworkers (most of whom are lazy and take no responsibility for their actions or much less put in the most effort), a bright attitude doesn't cut it. I did make some changes and held many people accountable, but ultimately I flamed out. I really haven't spoken about this, much less typed it out, because I honestly did become traumatized by it. But I came in really upbeat, really gung-ho and determined to succeed, and exited with no fanfare and very negative. Along with having not enough labor to be a good manager, there was the union bullshit which I came up against plus I had an assistant store manager who clearly did not like me. In fact, one time I was watching on camera to see if my checkers were giving good customer service when I wasn't on the front end. Well I viewed one of the checkers giving terrible customer service; in fact, she really didn't acknowledge the customer or seemed like she wanted to be there! I'm of the belief that whether you're being watched up close or on camera, your behavior should be consistent and no matter how it's caught, you should be held accountable, good or bad, for those behaviors. Well I pulled this checker in private and discussed this with her. Mind you it's a union store and heaven forbid should someone be held accountable, so she wanted me to call the assistant store manager (who happened to be the one who didn't like me). He came in and sided with her! In front of her, he asked me if she had any write-ups in her file (she did not) and if she had any compliments/recognition (I don't remember clearly if she did have any, but I strongly don't think she did). When I said she didn't have any writeups, he said something to the degree that she's a good employee, doesn't have any writeups, and maybe it was a mistake. Then he just let her go. I was furious and he knew it, so after the cashier left, he asked me if I'd like it if my behavior was watched on camera. I told him that whether it was seen in person or by camera, it happened and I'd expect to be held accountable. Then he said that employees would get mad if I caught them via the camera, in effect, I shouldn't be doing that cause I'd piss people off. I knew I'd lost, he sided against me and he clearly liked this cashier and didn't care one bit what I saw. So I just clammed up and that was that. I will never forget this incident ever: it was the gamechanger that turned me angry, upset and betrayed and made me hate that store. Also, this same assistant clearly had favorites, oh man he was the definition of having favorites. I was not one of them and I did not look forward when he was the only one in charge of the store. He also got one of the chronically-irresponsible baggers out of trouble, someone who didn't care and gave me attitude-Nick was his name, I can say it cause there's 50-million Nicks out there- this guy gave me nothing but disrespect. To put it real bluntly, this assistant was Hispanic and if I was black or brown or red or one of the 'homies,' then he would have liked me and worked with me much more readily. But I wasn't, he didn't like me and I really came to resent him and the store. I have typed out so much, but honestly since early 2010, I have bottled this up and tried not to think of that drama. In fact, that experience as a department manager in that store so traumatized me that I haven't been able to even walk in there once. |
It kind of feels cathartic to get all that out for the first time, to just lay it all out there. Now that I'm applying to be a department manager once again, I've thought back to that store and those experiences, but now I'm open to discussing them and not being held back. In hindsight, I should have just transferred to another location, but back then I was so tired of the front end (I spent 10 years on the front end by then). I had no clue what I would do or where my future was with my company. I stepped down, then came to produce, and now ultimately have the confidence to put in for a promotion again. I love produce and I have my former ambition back. I want to be a leader again. No dick manager is going to hold me back from making money and a name for myself again, I shouldn't have let that dick stand between me because I lost time. It's easy to say this in hindsight because I had a terrible time in that experience, but now instead of cowering in fear, I can think back to him and say 'Fuck you! You didn't like me or support me though you said you did, but your actions sure didn't. You embarrassed me and brought me down. You succeeded in chopping me down, indeed for a few years, but now I'm back. I'm stronger and better. I can walk into that store and not shake or want to run or keep my head down. You arrogant, favoritism-dominated asshole, you can blow me!!!'
Yeah, I'm ready. I'm done thinking back to the past: now it is time to seize my future.
Well otherwise, today was just a normal day. I had to work early (8a to 430p) and it actually went pretty well! I'm not the best at morning shifts, but I'm getting better at handling the many things me and the department manager have to do in that shift, so it goes by well. I am so ready though for my vacation next week. Since I don't have much money, for like the first time I'm not going anywhere special like to Texas or anywhere for it. It kind of sucks, I mean I'd really like to get away. And since it's winter, I can't go visit the mountains or camping, so it's gonna be a week of me catching up on home chores. That alone will make it productive, but I'd rather be going on a trip.
Well that's about it, there's other topics I could be rambling about. But today in this post, I took an impactful stand and talked through some demons that have stayed with me for several years. They've needed to be purged out and I feel much lighter now that they are out and I've gotten rid of them. Not forgotten, never, but now they are not bottled up. I've needed this experience and I feel better already.Sometime soon, I'll write more. Michael