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Let's Make a Deal [Jan. 29th, 2013|02:16 pm]
Hello hello journal! I am thoroughly enjoying my time off and staying productive (mostly) getting chores done (and not spending tons of money!!). I am completing my taxes, I got 2 hiking books that I'm going to use when I do more exploring over the spring and summer, and just doing general chores I've been putting off. But most of all, I'm at home and not at work which is the best thing!!!! The biggest task that I've completed is writing to Metro College to make them a debt settlement deal. So over the summer I enrolled in a meteorology class, but then had to drop it because my financial situation collapsed and taking student loan debt was not an option. But I dropped it after the full refund deadline passed, so I got stuck with a bill of $1273.10. Well I cannot pay it, I just can't and I was just gonna let it hit my credit unpaid. But that wouldn't be right, plus I don't want it on my credit, so I wrote a letter agreeing to pay $600 if it will clear the debt completely. I reminded them that something is better than nothing, but moreover I was completely honest about my situation. I certainly hope that the deal is approved. No I don't want to fork over $600 for a service I never used!!! But that is better than it denting my credit. But if they don't take the offer, than yes, I'm just going to let it go unpaid. It will hit my credit and stay there for 7 years, but quite simply, I am still in the infancy of living within my means, I don't have substantial savings, and I just simply cannot pay that sum. I don't like saying, in essence, I can't pay you all I owe but I can pay half...it's not the right thing to do. And frankly my parents paid my debts, which isn't moral either (No I did not ask them to pay them all and I wish they hadn't, but it still happened. One day they will be paid back the $27,000 that they paid in my name). But it happened and I can't take it back. Nor can I change my financial situation. So if they don't (wisely) take the offer and it goes to collections and against my credit, then so be it. I don't like how potential companies may find this out, nor may it affect the interest rates I could get on a car, but I can't really control it. My mission now is to keep my credit intact, open 1 or two credit cards to improve my debt to credit ratio, and charge one or two items and pay them back promptly to keep my credit as high as it can go. I know how to fix credit and how finances work, hell I watch the Suze Orman show every single Saturday on CNBC. (And I really enjoy finances and accounting) So I hope that this last debt relic is cleared because then all of my past debt will be done and I really can move on to the future. Anyhow that's pretty much it. I don't think I talked about Adam inviting me out to Beer Bust on Sunday at this bar called the Wrangler, well he did but I am not a bar person and I didn't want to drink (really can't afford it anyways), so I didn't go. I kind of regretted it in a slight way, sliiiight, because I wanted to see him. But the bar is not my scene. You know, I dig having a nice, intellectual, meaningful conversation with someone, but that's not to be found in the bar scene. Oh well, maybe I will see him this week, I hope I do. Me and Justin are going out to dinner tonight which is nice...I love going out on dates with him! And later this week we may go to Blackhawk, which I need to research and plan. Okay, I need to go to my mom's so she can make sure my taxes are correct, so I'm gonna do that now. Michael
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First Day of Vacation from Work!!! [Jan. 27th, 2013|01:17 pm]
Yes indeed, it's Sunday and I get a whole week off from work with pay!!! Man I've been looking forward to this for weeks now...I've been getting burned out with the same thing same routine every day, so it was time to take a solid week off. Although it's not really a 'vacation' because this is one of the first vacations that I'm staying home not going anywhere or with any plans for recreation. I hate the word 'stay-cation,' but that's indeed what it is. I must say it's nice that right now it's 12:45 and I'm not on the road driving to work to close!!!!! Now I'm just wondering what to do with myself...I have a list of 'to-do' chores, but I don't want to do those. Damn this sounds like the last post I put up!! (And for those interested, which I'm sure is nobody, lol, I did decided to take a drive around. I went to Arvada and Wheat Ridge then through the factory area of Commerce City and treated myself to McDonalds before coming home. It was only like 3 hours, but it was enough) Justin came over last night after I was done with my shift at work so that was nice, but he had to leave this morning since it's his dad's birthday. I wish I could have spent more time with him, but like I told him, I'm not the center of his universe, nor would I expect to be. But I did ask him to reserve Friday night and all Saturday for me because I want to spend substantial time with him to cap off my vacation. I'm thinking we will go to Black Hawk and stay there overnight. Now the challenge is I can't spend much money at all! But just to be there in the scenery is enough for me. (and the fact we both enjoy penny slots only makes it a bonus, but again, not a lot of gambling can happen!!).
I guess the big point of my post is that I wish I had friends here. Honestly I do not have any. My friend Bernice and me have drifted apart and both of us are at fault for that. She was so fun to hang out with and I liked her husband too because he's a Conservative like me, but we just haven't maintained communication. I miss her, but being apart after months and then 'reconnecting' has gotten stale. I also have Adam who is still my friend. But over time the both of us have become more alike, yet different as well. We are alike because over the years he has settled down from a party-boy type (initially why I did not continue with the romantic relationship we began) to more homebody. I've liked that and gotten more in common with him. But much as I like that, he plays this computer game all the time so it's boring to go over there and just watch him play the game. Plus, honestly, his house is on a bad side of town and I don't like going over there for that reason and his roommate is a complete junkie/manwhore. Today he asked me if I wanted to go to the bar for beer bust but I'm not really a drinker anymore, it's spending money that needs to go for groceries and honestly I just don't like the bar. I still consider him a close acquaintance/friend, but we really don't see each other much to call us close friends. You know, it sounds like I'm just making excuses on and on. They are my reasons, though they come across as excuses. And finally, one guy Jason who I met around 2005...so we started a very extremely casual date relationship, well I wouldn't even call it that. But we'd meet, then not talk for months, meet up again, and repeat. I wanted to date him, but he didn't show interest so I wrote him off pretty much. Then I think in 2010 we touched base again just to talk and in fact, I went with him on Thanksgiving while he was patrolling the midnight sales (he's a cop). He was and still is with his boyfriend/husband, but we've always liked each other and, frankly, he's always wanted me. Now in his patrol car, he was not shy in mentioning it and I could have done anything I wanted and his boyfriend wouldn't have ever known. But though I was unattached and frankly wanted him as well, I thought about what I would think if my man was dogging me behind my back. So absolutely nothing happened. That's temptation at its peak, but I resisted it. No I don't believe in karma: I believe in morality and those are my personal morals. But afterward we started talking and texting more: I did not talk whorish-ly to him, but he did to me. He invited me over to their house, but to be with his man when me and Jason like each other, well that's just too weird. I never did go there. Finally he invited me to have a threesome with them. His boyfriend is cute, oh yes. But I'm not looking to fuck, to be blunt. Yes I was single when that invitation was offered and sure, if I said I wasn't tempted, I'd be lying. I'm a guy with hormones. But how can Jason invite me to hang out at their house, then weeks later say his boyfriend would entertain a threesome and things wouldn't just go back to hanging out casually as friends and buddies (if indeed it started that way, which between Jason and me, it did not)??? It's just too weird for me, so I can't do that. Plus, I don't think it's right to come between two people who 'love' each other (though when one person like Jason would even entertain cheating behind his boyfriend's back, I do not call that love.). Me and Jason have feelings for one another, then his boyfriend gets involved (were I to entertain that invitation), but really Jason is wanting me there for 1) the fact he gets 2 guys and 2) he gets an excuse to have me and 3)it opens the door for behind-the-boyfriend's-back cheating if I were to meet him privately. So I've written Jason off completely. I can't be 'friends' with someone who has a continued romantic interest in me. Adam and me are different, that part has been over for years and there's NO denying we are only friends. So really, I do not have close friends here in Colorado. My 2 friends are in Texas, Katye and Jeff. I miss them a lot and I'd see them fairly regularly if I was there. Someday maybe I will come back, who knows. I do wish I had more people here to know and hang out with.
Well that's my ramble of the day, so now I need to go and do something with my free Sunday! Michael
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Should I go or should I stay (home) [Jan. 24th, 2013|11:50 am]
Sometimes my days off from work drive me nuts. So I'm off after many busy days at work, looking forward to the rest and you'd think I'd be at home happy to just not go anywhere. But yet I want to go drive somewhere and do something. That would require using gas and going out to a store and possibly spending money (well I wouldn't because I don't want to spend it, but still it's the temptation), so I don't want to walk into a store. But then I'm driving on the roads for nothing and I don't really want to do that. I'd go for a nice natural scenic ride, but there's nothing right now in winter to see and going to the mountains is out. Actually one thing I really want to do is go drive up to the mountain cities west of the range, like visit the towns just to see what they're like. But that's gotta happen in spring. UGH I really do not like winter in Colorado. I am looking forward to spring and summer more than ever because I want to start going on the trails to explore the wildflowers. I've taken quite the interest in spotting those and this season I want to see how many varieties I can find. Last summer me, my friend Katye and her friend Blake went up to the mountains and tried to find a place mentioned which was known for wildflowers. I think it was too late in the season though because we didn't find large blooms, but the few I did spot really captivated my interest (along with the mountain thunderstorms!!). I really want to do more exploration and take in the scenic beauty that Colorado offers. Now that doesn't help me right now cause it's winter and I'm off and not sure what to do with myself!! Doing house chores doesn't appeal to me whatsoever. I have a whole list of things I want to get done during my vacation and stuff I need to do now but I totally don't want to. Okay well sitting here typing is not getting me anywhere, so I'm going to decide what I'm gonna do and then later I'll write more. Michael
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About A Boy, Part 2: Our First Date [Jan. 23rd, 2013|08:33 pm]
[mood |complacentcomplacent]
[music |Die Young-Ke$ha]

Alright, I have a pot of coffee all brewed and a steaming cup next to me, so now I can type away!! Now getting back to where I left off, me and Justin have now been together 5 months and 2 days and I've never been happier. Picture it...Commerce City, July 2012 (this is how Sophia from the Golden Girls would tell this!). By this time, I had reached my rock bottom in terms of my finances collapsing, plus a month passing after I kicked out my live-in boyfriend. I was learning to once again live within my means and getting back to my 'real' personality and morality, not the person I sunk to over the previous years and especially the prior months. (All of this would have to be covered in quite a bit of detail, but since it doesn't have to do with meeting Justin, that's just the summary). Even though I made my error with the prior man, I knew that I couldn't just cower from meeting people. I learned my lessons, snapped back to reality, and was not desperate to meet anyone. I had to put myself out there to meet guys for friendship and perhaps a relationship. I was okay with just casually dating if the situation presented itself, but the overarching fact was that I needed to just advertise myself in the right away. So I placed my ad on several online sites, including the one where I have met many men, Plenty of Fish. Yes, quite the odd name and I think it's kind of lame, but it was popular and free, so thus many different men used the site. I did wind up talking to several guys and for the first time, I messaged men to inquire who they were, more information, etc (I'm shy online, I like getting messages and got many, but I'm usually not the 'initiator' when it comes to messaging men online). I had a good time doing it too, though I did't meet anyone from the site for a date. Well, one guy for a date, but he was living with his parents and not in a good situation in life (and had fucked up teeth too!). So no. Anyhow, one night I checked my mailbox on that site and I had several messages, among which were from a guy who seemed like a possible prospect. I'd been chatting with him a few times and he wanted to meet me for a date. Another was from a manager at the nightclub I formerly went to many times in my young 20s (but seeing the crowd he hung with and his career and his Facebook, he was discounted). Well while I was responding to one of these messages, I got a new message from a guy. Now you might think that I looked at his picture and thought 'Damn what a hottie.' But no, my initial reaction was 'He looks like a regular guy. Attractive, manly looking...hmm.' So I read his message: it was fairly matter of fact, kind of like the usual conversation starters one would send over an online profile site which said 'You seem like a real guy, which is refreshing. I really like your profile.' It wasn't put-on or fake, nor in its components were the words 'hot' or 'sexy' or anything that hinted he just wanted a piece! So immediately that got my attention. I wish I would have kept those messages! (But then again, he was just another guy out there, I couldn't have known it would turn into anything) Still it caught my attention that he was commenting on who I seemed to be and my personality, not on the appearance of my photo. Well wait, I think he made one comment, but it was just a nice compliment, not a gesture to jump his bones (which many sleazy guys would do). Anyhow I exchanged a few messages with him, nothing special, just a way to get to know him. I asked him to send me more pictures of him and, again, he just appeared to be an average regular guy. Honestly I'd think he was a straight blue-collar fix-stuff kind of guy. No he did not strike me as a model or some pretty-boy, but it was kind of refreshing. I have a wide variety of taste in men, but yes ultimately I want a manly masculine guy. A few days later, we agreed to talk on the phone and I could tell he was more a shy type. We just had a get-to-know-you conversation, pretty much covering more of what we spoke about in our messages. He was a nice guy and he sure sounded manly on that phone!!! Deep bass-like voice, oh man I gotta tell you, it was sexy as hell. Up until this point, I wasn't going gaga or trying to balloon him up into this awesome guy or anything, but hearing that voice was a turn-on! We started to text one another and then agreed to meet for a date on Saturday August 21, 2012 at 6:30pm. We were going to meet at the Northfield Mall in Denver just to find somewhere to sit and kick it and get to know one another. Yeah I admit, seeing the man in person attached to that sexy bass voice intrigued me, but I will be straight up and admit that I wasn't trying to get my hopes up. After the initial messages, he was the top man I was interested in getting to know and that only continued after our phone conversation. But desperation and false dreams got me into trouble before and I wasn't going to let myself get carried away again. My plan was to meet him, take it easy and casual and let the date flow naturally. I wasn't nervous, honestly I never have been for a date except for my very first one at 18. So I remember I pulled up next to his black pickup and looked at him for the first time. Well folks let me tell you, he looked MUCH better than his photos suggested. Great first impression...tall, thin, regular dress...nice. We shook hands and started to walk towards the mall area (it was an outdoor kind of mall). He was indeed a shy type, but what a stud I thought he was!!! I kind of took charge in a way and we ended up getting some ice cream at a Coldstone Creamery. It was a beautiful classic Colorado August day...nice and warm, the sun beginning to make its set down and just enough people milling about the mall but not where it was congested. Just a nice scenic setting in the middle of the city. We sat outside on the benches and there began nearly three hours of conversation! We shared about our hobbies, our jobs, our childhoods, our families and that sort of stuff. He shared some of his history like how he was kind of a partyboy in high school and a little bit of a troublemaker, but how that dissipated when he went to college. I remember he was candid and slowly opened up more...it wasn't like he was shy and stayed that way. I mean, 3 hours of conversation that naturally flowed!!! And no it wasn't constant, but when we were quiet, that was natural too and it wasn't an awkward pause of silence. He did comment on how good I looked in person...this guy really dug me! His smile was and is one of those shy, crooked, sincere ones...man I remember how cute it was!!!!!!! The sun set, night set in, a white guy and some black girls almost came to blows (yeah for real, it was amusing), and eventually at 930pm we decided to walk back to our cars. Now came the 'awkward' part of the date...how would we part? Would we just shake hands? Exchange a hug? Give a quick kiss perhaps? Honestly I thought about this the whole walk back. Yes I wanted to kiss him...I thought he was absolutely fantastic! He was the top guy I wanted to get to know and the night provided confirmation. He was beautiful inside and out (as far as my first impressions told me) and yes, I wanted to kiss him but I didn't want to push it. Eventually we walked over slowly to our cars...we got closer...and then we were there. It was the time for one, both or none of us to make a move if we were going to do it...and you know what, the striking thing is that we both KNEW the other had this thought. We both wanted to hug or kiss, but BOTH OF US were too shy or unsure to make the actual forward move. What if we messed up a great date by going for it!? We just dragged out our goodbyes, loitered by our cars on the imaginary do-or-don't line in the sand, looking at each other smiling, me looking at the pavement, suspended in time. Then he came up to me and just kissed me passionately. I'm shivering in delight at this moment thinking of that instant in time!!! This shy guy made the first move and there we were under full moonlight kissing softly and passionately!!! WOW!!!!!!!!! Now that we were kissing, the ice was broken and fast melting as we were kissing, we did NOT want this moment to end. So as not to arouse the suspicion of the passing security guards traveling around the parking lot, we went into his pickup truck and, yes, made out for almost another hour. Nothing more happened than that and he made no move other than kissing. That was an incredible sign and very relieving that he did not try to round the bases with me (or, rather, see if I was willing as i was NOT). It was just an incredible end to a wonderful date. And folks, let me tell you, Justin is an incredible kisser. Soft and fast, oh it was like seeing fireworks in my eyes!!! Eventually it was late and we needed to leave, so yeah I was in heaven. We did text and he was absolutely in agreement that it was an incredible dates. In fact, our next date was the next day!!! Now that will be another long post because that is where something more significant took place (NO he did not get laid! I know that's what you were thinking). But I'll save that for another time.
Wow, so tonight is just like old times back in 2001, 2002 and the like...I'm writing a long post about significant events in my life while I'm listening to 102.1 The Edge, the rock station from Dallas. It's funny that I haven't kept writing in my journal all these years because I feel very content doing this, like I'm pouring out my heart to a friend. Though from how much I type, the journal won't tell me to shut the fuck up already, lol. It actually makes me think about Dallas and makes me miss it. I will always miss that city...I have history there, plus my two best friends Katye and Jeff are still there. But just being there, driving on US-75 Central Expressway and through McKinney and seeing the Dallas skyline, I don't know just makes me happy inside like I'm home. I guess I shouldn't be listening to 102.1 cause it makes me sentimental for times past. But who knows, someday I might live there again. And honestly, I love Colorado, but I would be happy to be back in Texas again.
Well I guess I should call it a night before I keep going to another subject and tell myself to shut up. Tomorrow I might make it 3 days and write another post!!! Michael
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Turning In My Promotion Paperwork, plus About A Boy Part 1 [Jan. 23rd, 2013|06:53 pm]
It's DAY 2, no actually it's DAY 2 BACK TO BACK that I'm posting an entry! Man, maybe this time I am resolved to actually CONTINUING to post entries here. Honestly I was falling asleep on the couch and it's only 630pm, totally too early to go to bed (although last Tuesday I went to bed at 645p), so this will keep my mind active and me awake! I had to work at 5am today...I usually do on Wednesdays because it's the day we change the prices for the new ad and I do it since my manager doesn't like to wake up early. But next week I'm on vacation so he's stuck with it, poor guy. Work actually went pretty smoothly..it helps that I'm in a good mood every day now because it propels me along and keeps me productive. But still, for a Wednesday, the store seemed to be pretty busy, so I had to assign a lot of tasks to my top clerk Dylan...I hope he isn't upset, but like I told him, I trust him to carry them out. And man I hope that I don't get sick and have to call in at this store because our new store manager does NOT let people call in sick. My clerk today called in, so I had to transfer the call to the store manager and he wouldn't let it happen! I'm not sure if that's a violation of labor relations or employee rights...it sure seems that way. If you're sick, you shouldn't be at work and if I'm throwing up, I'm damned sure not going to come in and I'd go to labor relations if I had to! He's really strict, probably the strictest manager I've ever had, but I tend to like those types. He's making our employees buck up and get their jobs done, something that my store is sure not used to. Let me tell you, I wouldn't have dreamed of just blowing off 2 days of work like I did back in April if I had this manager!! (That's a story which deserves a whole entry and someday I'll tell it). Anyways that was the workday. I had to get up at 330am, but I woke at 230a and then before that 122am. It's strange because when I get these shifts, internally I'm scared I'll sleep right through my alarm. So I keep waking up through the night as if I need to get up. If this didn't happen, then I wouldn't be so so tired on Wednesday nights!
Well I did turn in my paperwork so I can be considered to be produce manager. The store manager got it, I mean I slipped it under his door so he has it. He hasn't mentioned anything to me yet, so now it's a waiting game for us to meet. I think that he has to give me the interview to determine if I am ready, then he can put me in the 'pool' when a position opens up or decline me. Hopefully I can get it soon! I'm ready for the position, and more motivating, I am ready for the raise. It's only 50 fucking cents an hour more (which is crappy in my opinion), but it's still more and I can get large bonuses if my department performs to expectations.
Okay so I want to write about something that is near and dear to my heart right now: I have met Mr. Right and I am considering the next steps for a future with him. After many lapses in judgement and more than a few losers (which cost me money and my moral values, to say the least), he came in to my life unexpectedly and wonderfully. He's going to be in my life for as long as he will have me, so I'd like to discuss who he is and how this came to be. His name is Justin, he is 32, around 6'2 tall, nice thin body, blondish/reddish hair (I tease him and call him a ginger, but he isn't)...God the guy is one of the most sexiest men I've EVER dated in my life!!! On January 21 we passed 5 months of being together, and for me, 5 months with the same person is a landmark. So how did this begin? You know what, this is gonna take a while, so I'm gonna put on some coffee. I will be right back on the next entry so all my babble above doesn't delete. Back in around 10 minutes. Michael
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Before Applying For A New Promotion, Time To Shed Old Burdens [Jan. 22nd, 2013|08:34 pm]
Hello journal! Well I didn't let a lapse of years go by, instead I let a month and a half so I'm getting LOTS better! Honestly I tried to log on a few times, but the security feature where you have to type the word which is in a weird font screwed me up, so I just gave up. But I finally mastered it and reset my password, so I'm good to go! So I have to wake up at 330am for work tomorrow and usually I'm in bed reading by now, but I'm in this mood where I just want to write and vent. I'm not angry at anything in particular: I'm just in one of those contemplative, relaxed moods. Actually I should take that back...my feet and back are giving me aches, especially the back. It feels like I've had a weight resting on it all day, so probably the lifting I've done at work this week is kicking in. Man I can't wait for my two days off after tomorrrow's shift! I gotta tell you, working in produce in such a workout! I love my job (for the most part), but it is such physical work and I really look forward to the rest I get on my days off. So the big news today is that I filled out my paperwork to become a produce department manager! Right now I'm an assistant produce manager, have been since June 2011. I told myself that after a year, I'd either move up or get out (as in find another job). So now I am ready to make the move. I'm really happy honestly, like happy as in the kind I felt when I filled out paperwork to be the Service Manager (which is the front-end manager) back in October 2009. Back then I was very ambitious and wanted the responsibility, the challenge, to be the boss and to keep my name out there. I did make a great name for myself and actually I was put into the store I was promoted to because they thought my bright attitude would improve the place. But in a union store (a very hardened union store!), when you aren't willingly part of the union, don't want to be affiliated with it, and therefore don't really see eye to eye with you coworkers (most of whom are lazy and take no responsibility for their actions or much less put in the most effort), a bright attitude doesn't cut it. I did make some changes and held many people accountable, but ultimately I flamed out. I really haven't spoken about this, much less typed it out, because I honestly did become traumatized by it. But I came in really upbeat, really gung-ho and determined to succeed, and exited with no fanfare and very negative. Along with having not enough labor to be a good manager, there was the union bullshit which I came up against plus I had an assistant store manager who clearly did not like me. In fact, one time I was watching on camera to see if my checkers were giving good customer service when I wasn't on the front end. Well I viewed one of the checkers giving terrible customer service; in fact, she really didn't acknowledge the customer or seemed like she wanted to be there! I'm of the belief that whether you're being watched up close or on camera, your behavior should be consistent and no matter how it's caught, you should be held accountable, good or bad, for those behaviors. Well I pulled this checker in private and discussed this with her. Mind you it's a union store and heaven forbid should someone be held accountable, so she wanted me to call the assistant store manager (who happened to be the one who didn't like me). He came in and sided with her! In front of her, he asked me if she had any write-ups in her file (she did not) and if she had any compliments/recognition (I don't remember clearly if she did have any, but I strongly don't think she did). When I said she didn't have any writeups, he said something to the degree that she's a good employee, doesn't have any writeups, and maybe it was a mistake. Then he just let her go. I was furious and he knew it, so after the cashier left, he asked me if I'd like it if my behavior was watched on camera. I told him that whether it was seen in person or by camera, it happened and I'd expect to be held accountable. Then he said that employees would get mad if I caught them via the camera, in effect, I shouldn't be doing that cause I'd piss people off. I knew I'd lost, he sided against me and he clearly liked this cashier and didn't care one bit what I saw. So I just clammed up and that was that. I will never forget this incident ever: it was the gamechanger that turned me angry, upset and betrayed and made me hate that store. Also, this same assistant clearly had favorites, oh man he was the definition of having favorites. I was not one of them and I did not look forward when he was the only one in charge of the store. He also got one of the chronically-irresponsible baggers out of trouble, someone who didn't care and gave me attitude-Nick was his name, I can say it cause there's 50-million Nicks out there- this guy gave me nothing but disrespect. To put it real bluntly, this assistant was Hispanic and if I was black or brown or red or one of the 'homies,' then he would have liked me and worked with me much more readily. But I wasn't, he didn't like me and I really came to resent him and the store. I have typed out so much, but honestly since early 2010, I have bottled this up and tried not to think of that drama. In fact, that experience as a department manager in that store so traumatized me that I haven't been able to even walk in there once.
It kind of feels cathartic to get all that out for the first time, to just lay it all out there. Now that I'm applying to be a department manager once again, I've thought back to that store and those experiences, but now I'm open to discussing them and not being held back. In hindsight, I should have just transferred to another location, but back then I was so tired of the front end (I spent 10 years on the front end by then). I had no clue what I would do or where my future was with my company. I stepped down, then came to produce, and now ultimately have the confidence to put in for a promotion again. I love produce and I have my former ambition back. I want to be a leader again. No dick manager is going to hold me back from making money and a name for myself again, I shouldn't have let that dick stand between me because I lost time. It's easy to say this in hindsight because I had a terrible time in that experience, but now instead of cowering in fear, I can think back to him and say 'Fuck you! You didn't like me or support me though you said you did, but your actions sure didn't. You embarrassed me and brought me down. You succeeded in chopping me down, indeed for a few years, but now I'm back. I'm stronger and better. I can walk into that store and not shake or want to run or keep my head down. You arrogant, favoritism-dominated asshole, you can blow me!!!'
Yeah, I'm ready. I'm done thinking back to the past: now it is time to seize my future.
Well otherwise, today was just a normal day. I had to work early (8a to 430p) and it actually went pretty well! I'm not the best at morning shifts, but I'm getting better at handling the many things me and the department manager have to do in that shift, so it goes by well. I am so ready though for my vacation next week. Since I don't have much money, for like the first time I'm not going anywhere special like to Texas or anywhere for it. It kind of sucks, I mean I'd really like to get away. And since it's winter, I can't go visit the mountains or camping, so it's gonna be a week of me catching up on home chores. That alone will make it productive, but I'd rather be going on a trip.
Well that's about it, there's other topics I could be rambling about. But today in this post, I took an impactful stand and talked through some demons that have stayed with me for several years. They've needed to be purged out and I feel much lighter now that they are out and I've gotten rid of them. Not forgotten, never, but now they are not bottled up. I've needed this experience and I feel better already.Sometime soon, I'll write more. Michael
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Running for School Board? [Mar. 31st, 2011|12:20 am]
Well normally I would write a long entry, but I'm actually going to read my book by Bill Cosby concerning the problems within the black community. Remember in 2006 or so that Cosby spoke out about the lack of fathers' presence in black childrens' lives and he caught such hell for it? Well this book covers that, among other subjects. And I'm intrigued to find out more of his thoughts.

Work was boring...nothing really there. Oh wait, something did happen. If I make running in politics a reality, I have decided that I will be running for the school board. I will write tomorrow though...I don't want to be up all night like I have the past few nights.
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Contemplating Entrance Into Politics [Mar. 30th, 2011|01:45 am]
[Current Location |the office]
[mood |determineddetermined]

I'm back...you probably thought that I wouldn't post again for, say, another 4 years?! Well I meant what I said that I'm going to write in here often. I could write all about my day at work, but it was the same routine of doing the same old thing I always do. So why bother...nothing super-interesting happened anyway.

How about another bombshell dropped on you...well here goes. I have given serious thought to running for local political office as a Conservative Republican. It's not like I'm about to file my papers soon because I'm nowhere near prepared for that step. I am only in the preliminary stages of mere thought toward the possibility. I don't think that I've ever mentioned anything about politics in my journal ever...but this is one part of me that has majorly changed. Brief history...I have always affiliated as a Republican, but never cared about politics or current events. It just didn't affect me: I worked, went to school, led a productive life, so they just weren't important to me. However, this changed around 2007 when I discovered that Barack Obama was running for U.S. President. Despite my ignorance of politics at the time, I was puzzled how someone who really didn't achieve significant political gains while he was in the Senate could just run for President out of nowhere. Thus I started listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show while I commuted for work each day. I vaguely knew who Rush Limbaugh was, I knew that he did Conservative talk and I knew that my (weak) views would agree with his. Well I didn't realize how right my intuition was. My views agreed with his...big time. Plus I was shocked how little the press was REALLY covering this man with such a shady, questionable past. I was angered how McCain didn't hammer away at Obama based on his Socialist views and his affiliations with the 'God Damn America' Pastor Jeremiah Wright and that wretched Weather Underground Bomber Bill Ayers. Honestly I couldn't believe that politics had so much human drama...and ultimately I found myself excited to be a spectator. I began to understand the stark differences which characterize a Republican from a Democrat. From this, I knew that I was a Republican to the core. I branched out to find other sources...Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Keith Olbermann (who I found repulsive, disgusting, and anti-American). I learned more and more about the political scene and soon fell in love with understanding all I could about the issues! In fact, talk radio largely replaced my CDs and music stations as my car entertainment. I now knew why my mother listened to all the talk radio she did...it affected us so directly! I understood that America stood at a crossroads...we could elect a man who wasn't Conservative to the core, but would certainly do us less harm than electing a Socialist who wanted to implement national healthcare and distribute MY money to others. I couldn't be ignorant any longer to politics...honestly largely due to the sheer drama occurring!

I can't state all this without crediting the one national radio host who has educated me the most, whose opinion I gravitate toward and whom I listen to faithfully since around early 2009: Mark Levin. One Saturday night, I was leaving my friend XYZ's house: it was late and I had fun, but I wanted to hear a talk show, any talk show. So I turned to our local AM station 710 KNUS: it was like 11p or 12am. There was this guy on the radio who sounded kind of nasally and pretty pissed off! Well I wanted to know what this person was saying before I flipped the station...lo and behold, he was ranting against Obama! This got my attention, so I kept tuned. Pretty soon, I got his name: Mark Levin. Man this guy did not like Obama...he was ranting against him and the government and the lack of border control (I was absolutely loving this...this nasally-sounding older guy's opinions were 100% mine!). And to top it off, he played Linkin Park music on his program. Well I got hooked. Now as I found out quickly, Mark Levin doesn't just spout off opinions: he takes a Constitutional approach. He educates the audience about the Federalist Papers, history, Supreme Court cases, and etc. In listening to his opinions and education, I learned even more about the political scene. Also, I have gained so much education that I use when debating people with different opinions. Above all, I have learned that I am a solid Conservative Republican. I stand proudly with the Tea Party. This is not a paid advertisement for Mark Levin...this is only explaining that much of the credit for my knowledge and love of politics is attributed to him. So if you want to know my views, listen to Mark. And Mark, if you read this, you have made a huge difference to one 20-something young man.

So there is my history explaining how I've come to this point...how I've come to contemplation of running for political office. I feel I can make a difference. I have strong opinions about issues. I want to create change rather than watch change just enacted by others. I'm thinking about local office, but really focused more on the School Board. My first mission is to define who I am and where I stand on issues. So partly I'm going to use my journal for that purpose. I'm going to state an issue and then spell out my opinions on that issue. This will help not only me to be clear on where I stand, but you may agree or disagree and then debate me. (Not that anyone will be reading this, but in the near future, who knows) I have to educate myself on local issues, but also keep abreast on national issues. Who knows...maybe I might make it to mayor, Representative, Senator??? I love politics. I love being an American-loving, Tea-Partying Conservative Republican. You ask how I can run as a Conservative when I'm gay...well my orientation certainly won't be on the ballot, so why does that matter? I'm for less government intrusion, lower taxes, and more independence for all Americans...the only party that can carry that platform is the Republican party, thus I affiliate with them. I'm well aware that I am a 'minority within a minority,' but I'm not going to let that stop me. In fact, it spurs me to put myself out there so people can question me, know who I am, become encouraged, or maybe become disgusted if they so choose. But when they understand that I'm a gun-rights advocating, military supporting, unapologetic American-loving freedom fighter and that I'm for THEM, I don't think who I'm attracted to for a lover will make much difference. It's time to get myself geared up, to make this goal happen, and to make a difference. I'll be writing in here about what I'm doing to get myself there as well as other issues. Maybe someday I will look back at this entry in awe; I'll be able to tell myself "I did it.' Wouldn't that be amazing?
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How Do I Begin This After So Many Years??? [Mar. 29th, 2011|01:25 am]
[Current Location |my office]
[mood |quixoticquixotic]

It's time to use my journal again. Years have passed since I've written an entry, but I need this journal to express my thoughts, my moods, the events in my life (and there are lots, let me tell you...). I can't keep a traditional paper-and-pen diary because that is just too tedious. Wow I can't tell you how weird this is! I mean, I used to come on here and the words would flow like a river down a mountain. But now I'm staring, feeling strange, and editing my sentences if they don't look 'perfect.' But I'd better shake that because I didn't edit myself when I had this journal before and I'm not going to do it again. I'm going to re-start posting on my journal and with frequency. This is not only my venue to let out my emotions: it's my life biography. Today I look back on my entries from ten years ago and they bring back so many memories. Well I want to continue writing my life story which is built day to day. This is mostly for me, yet I'm keeping my journal public. Perhaps the events in my life or thoughts in my head will be interesting to some. Maybe you might be inspired by the actions I take (as well as my aspirations and whether I accomplish them). Comment if you wish...I'd love to hear from ya'll!

So why don't I begin with the central drama in my life: I am cheating on my boyfriend. There, I've admitted it outright. Anyone who knows me would never guess that my character would let me do this. But I am and yes, I do feel scuzzy for it. But I'm not torn between the two men: if I had it my way, I would choose a relationship with the 'other guy.' In fact, this predicament finally tipped me over to using my journal again. I've had so many emotions over this situation: guilt, sadness, excitement, and back to guilt again. Why is this happening? Here's the background on my boyfriend: today marks our 11-month anniversary together as a couple. He's a wonderful man, caring, considerate, loyal and he'd do anything that I asked him for. I thought that he was the 'one.' I thought that we would get married (well married in the sense that we'd have a civil union and live just like husband and, er, husband). But unfortunately, I don't have the 'lover' benefits that comes with having a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband. We do not have sexual chemistry or the same desires...in fact, we have never so much as made out or kissed long!! Never. I was drawn to the fact that he was in the Army and was twice deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan. I am a huge military supporter, so I had and have so much respect for him. But as time went on, it was clear that I would not get the lover part of a healthy relationship. In fact, I broke up with him mid-December, but wound up going back because I thought I truly loved him (and because I was treated like trash by a guy who I thought liked me. But demanding that I 'come' on demand, yes that kind of 'come,' is not liking a guy. Of course, if I hadn't hooked up so quick, guess I wouldn't have been treated like that). But it's still not working out. Well last Saturday I just felt like going out, so I met my friend XYZ at the bar. We hung out with 2 of his friends there, then we all went to chill at Adam's place. The 2 other guys were a couple, but one of them who I'll call Guy 1 was real horny. I'll tell the entire story another time, but we all had a foursome. It definitely was NOT planned and this is something I DON'T do regularly, TRUST ME. But it happened...and I really liked one of the guys a lot. So after XYZ and Guy 1 were done, me and Guy 2 were still making out, touching, cuddling and having the most wonderful loving time. It was clear that even though we knew next to nothing about one another, there was definite chemistry and not all of it purely sexual. It seemed like we were fulfilling a need in one another and didn't want it to end (as it turned out, that was correct). Guy 1 was jealous that I was pretty much making love to his man and that his man was clearly way into me. Anyhow, that is how me and Guy 2 met...and this wasn't a chance meeting. We got a motel room last week, got to talk and know one another, and made love for seven hours. This guy is one of the best lovers I have ever had...scratch that, THE best. Plus, the rest of who he is catches my interest too. He has a good job, is working on his own business, is very intelligent, and has such a kind caring personality.

So I'm falling in love with Guy 2, yet I'm still in a relationship with The Boyfriend. I know what you're saying, "Just leave him, don't dog him behind his back.' Well it's not that easy. The Boyfriend has no family that gives a damn about him, very little friends, and he just lost his dream job that he was training for. He has no money and nowhere to go. I have been his rock, basically, and he's looked to me for guidance and support in everything. (Unfortunately, one of the reasons that I'm not into him as a lover is that he isn't very independent. Sometimes I feel like I'm the 'father figure' and that's not what I signed up to be exactly). I've committed to him...how can I just dump him when he has nothing? I know what the end result will be...soon we will no longer be a couple. I will one day hurt him with the second and final breakup...but I just can't do that now. Not when his life has crumbled and he is trying to pick up the pieces I can't deliver that shattering blow to him. So I have to text and see Guy 2 on the DL...and feel twinges of guilt knowing that I'm lying to The Boyfriend and to myself. Knowing that the more I'm falling for Guy 2, the closer I'm coming to having to end it with The Boyfriend and shattering what stability he feels he has in his life. This truly sucks. But I will say that one day when I tell The Boyfriend this, I refuse to dump him out of my life completely. My family is his family and, far as I am concerned, I'll be like his brother and good friend. Just because I don't feel he is my lover doesn't mean he's a piece of garbage that should be taken away with the trash, never to be seen again. That won't happen whether I end up permanently seeing Guy 2 or not. The fact is that I am young, a man, and need to feel the closeness of a lover...but that is not happening with The Boyfriend. It never will and I can either accept that fact and pretend I like living like I'm an old couple in my 80s...or I can make an uncomfortable adjustment which may yield the life I need and deserve. I'm never one to just settle, so you all know which option I have to choose. It's just delaying the inevitable choice that is causing pain inside.

Well how about that for kicking off the 'Grand Re-opening' of my journal? Heavy stuff. I will be changing names, but I won't censor my thoughts. Tomorrow I will make another entry...and someday I will write about some of the stuff that has happened over the last few years. Though hell, as you all can see, I have enough drama in the present!!!!
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The Face-Off: Tensions Boil Over [Jun. 5th, 2007|02:49 am]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |"Crazy on You" Heart]

So I had like the boldest confrontation with one of the head clerks at my store today, the kind that proves that I have balls and know how to use 'em. I'm still shaken up about how I spoke my mind and defended myself, but even though I'm tough and sometimes callous...I'm not used to myself really expressing myself! Background: we got this new head clerk RaShawn from a store in Denver about 4 months ago. I thought King Soopers doesn't transfer its problems, but I guess I was mistaken. That's probably why he ended up at my store. I could go on and on, but basically he is lazy, unmotivated, takes no initiative to get ANYTHING done, and pretty much plunks himself in one spot and simply watches the front. Doesn't help, doesn't actively participate in working...just watches and slacks. Well I have really observed this when working evenings with him. Bags don't get filled, no cleaning takes place, nothing productive gets accomplished. On Friday I had to clear the parking lot of carts because he failed to get it done. I mean this guy is a loser of a manager. He chats way too much with certain employees and I feel is making more of friends with some of them rather than requiring them to work. I could go on and on. Well I've finally had it. Our last head clerk, Greg, got demoted because of the same actions and now we've got a repeat Greg! Well I finally have reported it to the store management, talked to the assistant, and also our servive manager. Now mind you, this head clerk is a big black guy, ex-Marine, very large build...this isn't a man to mess with. But I can only tolerate so much...if this man is a fellow MANAGER, he needed to act like it! But he hasn't and I am not going to coach or direct my equivalent, especially if that person is a MANAGER...note the word there! If I wasn't so tired, I'd explain all this in more detail. Well he came up to me and asked me about Friday night and if he did anything wrong (the night I really got angry and had to clear the lot at 1:20am when I was ready to go home!). Now I could have said I didn't know anything and ducked out of it, letting the store manager talk the responsibility of pointing out his mistakes. But fuck that! So I told him EVERYTHING...he doesn't get anything done, doesn't keep people productive, talks too much, sits like a statue and doesn't do anything, and slacks. Yes I directly stated that he is a slacker. I didn't mince my words. The basic complaint I (and every other head clerk) have is that he doesn't do ANYTHING. Any manager, regardless of what you supervise, must be productive and keep his/her subordinates productive as well! Well, to respond to my criticisms, he picked up on my attitude and said I didn't need to have one. I told him I was holding back...that this WASN'T attitude and that I've held it in for so long. Then the dude proceeds to tell me that he didn't know and that this is a different store. So basically, he must have been really lazy and the store let him get away with it because what he was telling me is that keeping productive is an alien concept to him!!!!!! Bullshit, that's what it was. I let him know that too. And he was going on about how I should have told him and I shouldn't have told my store manager and that I should have been a man about it and came up to him. I promptly let him know that I wasn't going to and shouldn't have to coach my equivalent. This discussion took place on the front end (it really should have been in private, but it came up right then and there and it just happened. Furthermore, no way in hell was I gonna be alone with this man!!). It ended with Sue (another head clerk) asking us to take it elsewhere. It wasn't an argument...we kept it mum, but she could head RaShawn. But we were done anyways...I certainly wasn't getting anywhere and he wasn't convincing me either that his laziness meant that he didn't know his job or any other excuse. The guy is a laze and there's nothing that will convince me otherwise...no lame excuses he was coming up with would convince me otherwise. So that was it. But guys, I was so anxious afterward...I mean, I stood up to someone about a serious issue. I took the bull by the horns, faced my anger, let it out, and it felt great!!! Triumphant is how I felt, even though I was anxious because I never would have thought I could do it. But finally I know I am a strong man to stand up to an intimidating thing/idea/man/foe, look it/him/her in the eye and really express the TRUTH. I later told my store manager what happened and he is glad I handled it. Of course it is certainly not over between him and store management...but what happens after is between them. I guess I really am one of the bulls of that front end to take charge of a problem and turn it to my advantage...maybe reverse it toward a solution. Possibly I have gained some respect...that would be nice. But my greatest reward is an increased sense of self-respect. Doing the right thing and standing up for us as a collective management team...but also standing up for myself instead of semi-delegating a problem to someone else. Of course it will be weird working with him...but I know I'm right and that's all that matters. Well I had to get that out...now I need to get to bed.
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